Monica Rodgers - Monsterlogue: I Am Not Sorry

When I was a kid, I developed a variety of sophisticated bedtime rituals to ensure that the monsters that lived beneath my bed wouldn't “get me."

I was known to follow an elaborate sequence each night that included practically pole-vaulting into bed from the furthest point in my room I could muster, and this went on for years. I would often perform the rituals in a more “grown-up way” over time, even if I was sleeping at a friend's house. As I look back, while I know this was just a phase most kids go through, I had a preoccupation with scary subjects well into adulthood that would simultaneously pique my curiosity while activating a keen sense of dread.

Maybe it had something to do with my upbringing, and what I now recognize as my hyper-vigilant inner child who rarely felt safe. Or maybe it’s something we all have and hide to some extent, not wanting to reveal the childish notion that there’s something out there coming for us.

As I grew into adulthood and began the inner work of revealing and healing, I discovered that most monsters don’t live under beds, but in my head. Many of them are well known in my work as a coach by different names - such as shadow work, saboteurs, inner gremlins, distorted masculine, distorted feminine, and so on.

Basically, the true monsters live as conjurings of our own deepest fears about ourselves, projected out into the world making it seem like an awfully scary, hostile, and unpredictable place. Most of my work is helping women especially reveal the shadows of the self that keep us running, or believing that we are not worthy, not enough, not lovable.

Ironically, my name "Monica" became shortened to “Mon," “Mons," sometimes "Har-Monica," or "Momica," but “Monster” eventually became an affectionate nickname that stuck with many of my friends over the years.

I decided that instead of a monologue, I wanted to record a series of Monsterlogues as a way to bring them out from our unconscious and into the light of the day, so we can all see them for who and what they really are.

This first Monsterlogue is about the Sorry Monster that can’t stop apologizing because she has the audacity to exist in a world that trained her to believe she doesn’t have a right to take up space. I hope you enjoy it, and that you have your own revelations about your own “Sorry” Monster.

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